Today I was faced with the task of looking into my emotional closet and
discarding all the items I no longer want, that no longer fit and that I definitely have no
business donating. I thought it would take me a while to find some things, but
Lord and behold a large suitcase full of my fears fell on top of me as I opened
my closet and it gave me the biggest headache.
Its funny how I can come so far in my life and yet be set back by my past
due to fear of repetition.
Seriously though, I find myself struggling with being happy with someone
just to be.....happy. In the back of my mind I'm expecting the almighty sign of
doom so I can flee and run for cover. The problem with that is I start to
nick-pick (in my head) at the slightest thing labeling it (a sign) and holding
it in my fear bank so I can justify my plan of escape.
But is this fair......to me..........and to him?
Have you ever found yourself putting up a wall and simply blocking out
anything that takes you back to your unhappy place? I have and find myself doing
it more frequently and I'm quite unhappy about it. As soon as I see the
slightest thing that makes me raise an eyebrow, I'm ready to write dude off and
drop his ass in a sealed box labeled F.O.S (full of S....), and place it on the
top shelf in my closet, next to the "Liar" and "Loser"
boxes. But once again I have to pose the question is every little thing "a
sign"? Can things actually happen that seem so far fetched? It leads me to
the saying "Shit Happens", and this I do know to be a fact because
Shit happens to me all the time. How do you decipher which Shit is true Shit
and not just Shit - SHIT?
So I write this entry because Obviously I'm dealing with something with my
man...oh snap did I say Man….. um, wait I meant… with this dude I know, that's
more like it. See I can't even be serious about that....my wall goes up even at
the thought of giving my heart to someone again. To give a little background,
he's a really nice guy and has never shown me anything concrete to frown at…yet
(working on the trust thing). He's supportive emotionally and spiritually, and
we can laugh and talk about anything. So far he has done everything he said he
would. Yet, this last time, things went south and I didn't hear from him for 48
hours. He didn't come through like he said he would, and I started laying
bricks and cement, gearing up to build my
strongest wall ever.
I was NOT about to deal with this mess again, I'm not going to wait around
and listen to the all familiar story that his phone was lost, stolen, broken,
or blew up, we've all heard it before. Nope, not the kid, I was OUT this was
clearly the "SIGN" I was waiting for. That along with all the little
signs like he chews funny, or laughs to loud, or hugs me too much, you know all
the big stuff that will get me to stepping. Clearly I'm over exaggerating here,
but I do this to exhibit just how guarded I am.
It took a friend of mine to break it down to me and show me just how
non-trusting I was. She explained to me how she understood how guarded I felt,
and that I should be. Hell, at the end of the day, I do have a closet full of
baggage of past lessons learned. It took her reminding me of all the good I
have felt in this short period of time. Of how he HAS come through before and
to at least hear him out. It was her telling me that the relationship is still
very new and that she could bet money on that there are things going on in his
life that he may not have told me about yet. And simply she reminded me how he
made me smile in a short period of time after I was ready to kick him to the
curb day one.
So FINE I'll hear him out.
The apologies ran rampant in his email, it was the first thing he said when
we spoke and the "I'm Sorries" for letting you down" ran through
our conversation. Now my eyebrow was raised again, in complete confusion. My
wall was getting pretty shaky and bricks were coming undone. I realized even
though I was disappointed and forced to go through the exercise of planning my
retreat, it was bigger than this particular incident. My fears kicked in and
totally took over my emotions and started to show me flash backs from
"Assholes Past". So I would think that he was acting just like _____
and doing just like _____did. I had convicted this man off the bat.
SO WHAT! I'm going to protect myself at the end of the day NO MATTER WHAT!
But.....but....but, I am grateful that I can recognize what I was doing and
take time to breathe and think calmly and listen. So he gets a pass this time,
and I'm putting my hard hat away. But I will be watching with my eyes wide
open.
Hell, I'm open to being open, just not to being played.............you feel me!
Special thanks to Di W.
....until next time.
~SOTM~
